its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
