The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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