I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
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It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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