If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
