I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
