I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
