I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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