Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
