Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
