You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
