Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
