Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
