My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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