Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
