She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
