My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wish my penis had an off switch
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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