you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
