Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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