Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
