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Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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