I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
