Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
organizing the empties. That sober.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
