he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
