he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
