Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
my shit smells like andre
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
