my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
