why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
