i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
