shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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