after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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