I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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