Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
In America we eat man semen.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
