I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
