the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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