I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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