There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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