You don't have asthma, your pregnant
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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