she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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