fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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