Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
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i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
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Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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