Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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