I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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