It's like God shit irony all over that family
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
