um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We had to coat check the pizza.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
