worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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