I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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