he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
