you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
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Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
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Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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