Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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