I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
