omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just cropdusted the office
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
