Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
