You just made me feel so damn special
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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