He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
