Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
