i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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