Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
