Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
